Rants

Happiness…

I am about to get personal, well as personal as I feel comfortable getting, I know you guys live for my personal posts because NOSEY.

This post is inspired by my friend Jahnae who also has a youtube Channel that everyone should check out real quick..

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCzAD-JEZqMLeS_jWZ1QpoTw

She was talking about her personal struggles, and what she does to try and get herself out of her “slump” as she calls it.

The last few months have been super stressful for me with getting sick, moving, a failing relationship, school and work.

When I moved, I was sleeping on a mattress for about a month living out of a bin with all my stuff packed up and hidden due to my mother doing renovations AFTER we moved in, not one of her smarter choices

During this uncomfortable time, I hurt my shoulder because I was sleeping in such uncomfortable conditions.

One thing about me is I don’t do relationships because I am no good at them, I always end up messing them up, and again this was the case.  I have too much doubt and worry in my mind and people get tired of having to reassure.  Even as of today I am still very “I don’t know how to feel” on this whole situation, it has my brain in shambles because now I don’t know what I want, all I know is I want to be alone because opening up yourself, being vulnerable, is a scary thing.  You open yourself up to invite, hurt, pain, worry, unhappiness etc…  You open up yourself and enable people to take advantage of the way that you feel about them, they also never realize that they are taking you for granted.

Moving on out of the uncomfortable zone, a lot of you know I work 25-30 hours a week so 4-5 days all depending PLUS I go to school full time, which for me thank god is only 4 days a week.

Most of my classes start at 8AM and I usually work until 11PM, my school is an hour away from my house which means I run on about 5 hours of sleep a night which is nowhere near enough.  Lack of sleep for me adds more stress as I tend to stress about more things then I would usually because I am just always so tired.

Jahnae said something and I thought, “wow this is really me” she said, “I am always so stressed that I don’t even feel stress anymore.”

I have still yet to figure out how to stop the downpour of stress, it’s funny I have a tattoo that reads peace in chinese, but I have absolutely no peace in my life.  I know one thing that works is keeping yourself busy.  Whether it be with school, work, friends, etc.. Keeping yourself occupied is a good thing.  Also taking time for yourself is major.  Lately I have barely been speaking to people and I’ve been spending more time with myself and myself alone.  I stopped looking for other people’s validation on shit because only you can make the best decision for you.

Other’s opinion on me stopped having effects on me because I realized that what anyone says, good or bad about me doesn’t matter if I don’t believe it myself.  Someone tells you that you are beautiful, it will mean nothing if you yourself don’t see yourself as beautiful..

Happiness will come eventually, it’s a slow process for me.

 

2 thoughts on “Happiness…

  1. Sometimes I think keeping busy all the time just adds to the stress; I guess everyone is different though! You are definitely right about not needing other peoples opinions x

    Like

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